It Won't Be Like This For Long

Darius Rucker's "It Won't Be Like This For Long" has become my theme song. I literally listen to this song as motivation when it's late at night and I'm cleaning baby bottles or during the roughness of the day when all the children are awake I have at least two children crying at me for various reasons. Quite honestly, you can think of any reason, any reason, at all and I'm sure my children have been pissed at me for it (aka story of my life).

My current gripe with life is my lack of sleep. Although it's gotten better and newborn Carsen is spacing out his feedings about every four hours now, I still miss my sleep A LOT. I find myself aching for him to be bigger so he can physically hold down more food and therefore, sleep through the night. Yet, it's such a complicated-contradiction because at the very same time I want nothing more than for him to not grow as fast as time allows.

The simply knowledge that he's my last baby makes the desire for time to slow even stronger.

Although, I'm physically-exhausted and mentally at my breaking point (more often than not) I try to embrace all that my life beholds. As with life, I have to take all the bad with the good. I want to take the physical exhaustion of waking to a newborn crying every few hours throughout the night, drinking coffee at 6pm because we've run out of clean underwear and the laundry really needs to be done, listening to nonsensical arguments of your oldest two fighting over the powers in Super Mario Bros (seriously, WTF?!) and stressing with my partner about money. I want to take all of this because this is our season in life and really, there is so much more good than bad.

Sometimes in order to keep myself from losing my mind, I remind myself that "it won't be like this for long" and other times, I weep at the insensitivity of time that life will. not. be. like. this. for long . . .

Love,
Kris

P.S. Do you mind clicking the link below for Top Mommy Blogs? All you have to do is click and this blog gets one vote. One click is all you have to do and I'll love you forever ;)

My Sweet Baby Carsen

Our little Carsen was born on March 15th, weighing in at 7 pounds and 6 ounces, and measuring an even 20 inches long. I am so in love and I can't get over how adorable he is and how amazing it is that he's here, in our lives, and oozing the love out of my heart. I feel like I'm falling in love for the first time every time I look at him. There's an indescribable over pour of emotion when you meet your child for the first time and each of our children have brought a newfound joy into our lives but there's something different with Carsen's birth and presence. I have a feeling it has everything to do with the knowledge that he is, in fact, our very last child and all of his firsts will inevitably be our last "firsts" as parents. The first time he smiles his toothless grin, the first time he takes those unsteady strides, the first time he says his first word, will all be even more bittersweet.

 

 

It, also, hits me a bit harder emotionally to think there once was a strong possibility that his existence almost never graced our lives. A little over a year ago, Jarod adamantly stated he could not and did not want another child; not only because of the amount of work needed to raise a child but also, the financial demands of such a large family. I always wanted a large family and four children just seemed like the perfect amount but when I came across Jarod's opposition to another, a small part of me shattered inside. I knew with impeccable clarity that not having a fourth child would always be my biggest regret but I, also, loved my husband and really like being married to him. We fought endlessly about it until I finally gave up and tried to rationalize the loss by acknowledging that three children is a blessing that I should be more than thankful for.

No one knows me better than Jarod and I think after the fumes of our fights had cooled, he saw the prospective regret that we both knew would remain in me years from now. So Carsen's presence forces upon me how blessed I truly am. Not only because I have the family I have always dreamt of with four amazing, gorgeous, and healthy kids but I have a man in my life that loves me the way I always hoped love would be like.

Carsen symbolizes more than the miracle of life; he embodies the extraordinary amount of love that surrounds me and is a living reminder of how blessed I am.

To My Jj: I Love You

The night is quiet, our children are asleep and I can hear the whisper of your breath deeply breathe. I feel as if there's so many words encapsulated inside the chaos of my soul that desperately yearn an escape. There are so many things I'd like to say to you to express how very much you mean to me, how grateful I am you're mine, how special I believe the connection we share is and how no matter the circumstance I always feel safe and happy - because, I have you. There is so much to say to you but my simple words fail me for when I'm happily wrapped in the haven of your arms all I can muster through the gap between my lips is a simple, "I love you."

I hope you know the weight of these three small and seemingly meager words. I hope you know they mean everything to me, just as you mean to me. You are my everything.

I love you.

New Year's Resolutions 2013

I don't necessarily have a "New Year's Resolution" but rather goals I'd like to strive for. At the very least, I'll improve and become a better person/ mom/ wife in the process. I've gotten to the point where I'm really happy with the fact that I do as much as I can; rather than perpetually believing I'm a failure because I'm not the perfect "Pinterest" mom who seems to have an infinite amount of time, money and energy. Hell, I think I'm doing a great job when I take two showers on two consecutive days, which happens to be one of my goals: showers on a daily basis. Goodness, that sounds so gross but I'm just trying to be real. So here are my 2013 goals:

NUTRITION/ HEALTH:
*Better portion control
*Workout 3X's a week
*Drink more water
*Eat 2 salads for dinner a week
*Eat a healthy breakfast

Baby Ali one day old.

My nutrition and health goals are subject to after baby Carsen's delivery and a few weeks of recovery. Some days I just feel like I'm starving and I'm going to eat without excuse because there is a child inside of me. Also, as for working out 3X's a week, I personally feel like I am working out 24/7 because I'm growing a human being inside of me so not hitting the gym is justifiable to me. However, I do need to drink more water. If given the choice between juice or soda over water, water almost always loses. As for incorporating salads into our weekly dinners, Jarod and I have already started doing that so that's no biggie. I need to start forcing myself to eat breakfast and a healthy one at that. I normally go until about 1pm before I eat anything and at that point I will eat whatever and I'm pretty bitchy at that point so some kind of healthy wheat cereal or oatmeal is a must.

KIDS:
*Do a daily craft
*Read at least three books daily
*Bake once a week with the kids

HUSBAND:
*Give weekly massage

SELF:
*Blog/ write once a week
*Take a daily shower
*Put on at least a little bit of makeup daily

Taking a daily shower is seriously one of the most embarrassing goals to admit but it's really a big one. I spend the majority of the day doing everything for everyone else and trying to play catch-up that my basic needs are neglected, clearly. Again, these are my "goals" to strive for because I know with four little ones to take of very soon, I should be content that I'll even get to see the inside of a bathroom all by myself. Along with showers, my goal is at least throw on some mascara and blush because most days there is absolutely nothing on this face except a worn-out expression but makeup makes me feel better about myself. I need to make more of an effort for myself and oh, yah, that guy called my husband. Also, this blog. Ohh, I've missed writing in here so much. I've been exhausted, busy and dealing with weird pregnancy anxiety/ depression that have caused me just to steer away from sharing my thoughts but thankful the anxiety/ depression is happening less and less these days. Another thing I need to let go of is my fear and embarrassment of grammatical errors and run-off sentences; I spend way too much time trying to perfect these blogs that it gets to the point that I just don't do them. Basically, I need to stop letting my distorted belief of perfection that prevents me from accomplishing anything.

FAMILY/ HOME:
*Print pictures every month
*Create weekly family videos
*Organize picture albums
*Create a daily/ weekly cleaning schedule

I take about 230 pictures daily but never print them out. I seriously don't have any pictures of Ali hanging up in our house (she's almost 18 months old!) except for the pictures we had done professionally and were printed out for us. So my goal is take small steps and print the current month's pictures and start organizing photo albums for the kids and our family and very, very slowly catch up on the last eight years of pictures that haven't been printed/ organized. I, also, haven't been recording any footage of my babies for the last six or so months and when I watch what little footage I have it makes me mad at myself because I've lost memories. It's really not that hard to whip out the camcorder for five minutes every week just to capture their little faces, expressions and personalities that are changing CONSTANTLY - this goal is MANDATORY.

Financial:
*Set $200 a month for gifts/ family
*Focus on paying debt off

Financially, 2012 was not the big pay-off debt year that I hoped it would be but some great steps we have made is not a single penny was added to our debt and we've continued to strive to never open any form of credit again. We have changed our mindset on debt and how we want to incorporate it into our lives, which is not at all. We've been making payments so at the least we have been paying off debt - no matter how small. Currently, we're focusing on saving money for Jarod to take two weeks off for baby Carsen, the boys' birthday party, which is in February and March, and after that we will continue our "paying debt off" journey.

So those are my goals and I know it's quite a list but there are a lot of things I'd like to improve on. I am realistic about my time and energy with the small football team residing in this household but as we get more into a routine and I find more and more time being freed up for myself and life, these are the goals I'd like to strive for.

these days

i have about 374 different posts that i need to write to get "caught up" with but let's be honest, i might, if i'm lucky, do about 3 catch up posts. life's crazy and busy as usual. having three kids with a fourth on the way has for some reason just recently really hit me on how much life is changing. it's always changing and evolving but with the kids getting older and our family growing, it's getting harder and harder to find someone who's sane enough for us to trust and insane enough to agree to watch all the kids at once.

jarod and i are staying home more often and the thought of going out has almost been eradicated from our minds. with the boys getting older and both of them egging each other to stay up as late as humanly possible for little boys, "bedtime" is making it near impossible for me to grab dinner with a friend. jarod's sweet and understanding about the fact that sometimes a girl's gotta get out before she loses what's left of her mind but it, also, wouldn't be fair for me to make the man stay up disciplining and monitoring potty breaks late at night and then turn around to wake up before the butt-crack of dawn to work a 10+ hour day very often.

we've never been the crazy, adventurous types but parenthood has really made us extremely boring. jarod, sadly, even commented the other week how it's lame there aren't any good shows on tv on saturdays and i pathetically agreed. but it would be network suicide to do so because nobody stays home on a saturday - well, nobody except parents with 3.5 young kids at home.

i'm not complaining because my life is exactly how i've always wanted it to be so i hope my words aren't misconstrued. i just want to write life as it is so i can look back and remember the blur that is my life but we're so exhausted. most days it's a controlled exhaustion and some days it's a "fuuuuuck my life" exhaustion that's begs for the day to speed up, the kids to fall asleep and for the feeling of being human to return. it's so hard but yet, it's so rewarding at the same time. their laughter, their wit, intelligence and the way they look at you with such unconditional, devoted love make the days bearable, even, dare i say, pretty dang amazing.

in less than four short months, we'll have a sweet little boy joining our family and life will be even crazier. i've done this a few times to know the exhaustion of a newborn and how normal, every day tasks seem impossible, like taking a shower or brushing your teeth before noon, but none of that reality can shake how damn excited i am to meet this little guy. it still brings me to tears to think of him inside of me. growing. becoming.

Three Not So Proud Moments

What's funny about this blog is I'm so incredibly open and honest on here that sometimes I'll write things and think to myself, "I shouldn't post this. I'm going to erase this," while I'm simultaneously hitting the "Publish" button. I appreciate honesty and find no benefit in hiding what makes us all human, including stories like these. Here you go, enjoy!

1. I literally thought Country Crock was real butter up until a few years ago when my MIL asked me if I would prefer to use "real butter" when I was making dinner at her house. Whhhaaaaat?!? I was shocked (I had been lied to for years) and so confused but didn't want to look like an completely idiot so I politely thanked her and said, "this is fine."

2. I weighed more than my husband when we first started dating. No, I didn't miraculously lose a shit ton of weight a few years ago, the kid was skinny as f*ck. I like to joke that I carried him to bed in our early years.

One month into our relationship.

3. I was the most obedient child in the world and for that very reason, I pissed my pants in Kindergarten. After lunch, my class would line up by our classroom door and as I stood in line, I raised my hand to ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, she never noticed - until all the kids, including myself, were screaming, "gross!" and "eww!" because somehow in my little five-year-old mind I thought I could play it off. Fake it until you make it, right?!

Five-year-old me in the pink shorts doing an great job controlling my bladder.